Sunday, April 16, 2006

Mervyns to become shopper heaven

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN - In a press conference Tuesday, God declared, "Only the elect shall get into Mervyns." Mervyns, until recently a retail fixture of malls the country over, will be repurposed as a heaven for good consumers. An angel discussing the decision on condition of anonymity noted, "Since Mervyns, God rest its soul, has departed the earth forever and ever, really the only way to get into Mervins is to be among one of the elect," which are 13,000 in number and pre-chosen before birth by the Lord God Himself. "No amount of righteousness can cause Him to send to Mervins someone who was not elected at birth; but a single failure by one of the elect to heed His holy command could result in an instant loss of the promise of everlasting peace in Mervyns."

Experts in holy affairs speculate that the move may be intended as a test to the children of God. "Will they be good consumers?" Asks the Reverend Al Jameston, "Or will God's command to buy, buy, buy go unheeded?" He added, "the fate of the shopper's soul hangs in the balance by a perilous thread, suspended between unending damnation in the fiery pits of Hell and the paradise of Mervyns."

Rev. Jameston was unwilling to reveal his sources, but claimed to have it on good authority that there would be a second coming of Mervyns. "It is written by the hand of God Himself that when the final hour be reached, the celestial Mervyns will descend again to earth to bring shopping bargains and high-quality clothing to all," he said. The time of the second coming would be marked with plagues of frothy mochas and consumer savings cards, a strange disappearance of funds in bank accounts, and hip designer fashions returning mysteriously to Earth.

God, King of Kings and Lord of hosts, ruler of heaven and earth, in infinite wisdom abiding, could not be reached for further comment.


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